Somebody called me fat!
Now before you get offended on my behalf, let's be realistic here. Yes, I do have an issue with my weight. Yes, I could stand to lose some poundage. But this is not what this post is about.
This post is about the great sadness I feel for the person who called me names because they are so obviously unhappy with their life and their own body image that they had to project their unhappiness on to me. I'm sure they were hoping for an angrier and meaner reaction than "Thanks J. :-)" And when that pissed them off more and they came at me again with similar language with some added colour I just said "Again, J, thank you! :-)" And when they fuelled it even more, I just kept it positive. I kept it light. I kept it honest. "You are just lashing out because I keep rejecting you. Its okay, you're human." Another barrage of insults flew at me. I responded with "I only speak the truth. You will learn in time. I would give you a chance if you weren't always asking for money, but material things are what motivate you, so that is the life you seek. Again, its fine, just not the life for me. I seek joy. I seek happiness." Finally there was no response.
Does it hurt to be called fat? Yes, it does a little bit. In the past I would have entered into this vicious circle of self-loathing, and seek comfort in food. I would inhale a whole bag of potato chips in one sitting, scarf down a pint of ice cream, and finish it with a couple chocolate bars. I would feel satisfied for a few minutes, and then the guilt would hit. I would hurl insults at myself in my head. "I can't believe you just at all that!! No wonder you can't keep a boyfriend. You are so lazy! You can't even keep your house in order. All you do is watch TV and then go to bed and then get up and repeat everything you did the day before. What a waste."
Yes, I said those things to myself. Those are the tame ones too. It has taken years of work to stop myself from doing it. Every once in a while, I get caught off guard and those words float back up to the top of my head, echoing loudly in my ear. But instead of listening to them, I let them float up, acknowledge they are there, and then I let them float away because they are not the truth.
I truly feel sad and hurt, but not for myself. I feel for the person who felt it necessary to impart such verbal violence on another person because of how much pain and unhappiness they themselves are dealing with inside. I am scared for that person, that they will never get the help they need and will just continue to isolate themselves. Sure, on the surface they are going to pretend like things are fine for years. Eventually the bottom will fall out for them, just as it did with me, and I only hope they have the same strength I did to dust themselves off, stand up and vow to make a change and to love themselves for the person they are.
I could have ignored the first text, true. But why would I deny myself the opportunity to help another person see what is going on inside them? The mirror was held up to me quite a few times. Finally one day I actually looked at the reflection staring back at me. I can only hope that others will look too if ever it is infront of them.
