Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 In Review

Well, here we are at the end of another year, and it hasn't been what I expected at all.  I started the year extremely determined in one aspect, and got blind-sided in another.

January 2012

On January 2, 2012, I went to the gym, got on the scale, and nearly shit my pants.  I weighed 301.5 lbs.  Yup...this is the first time I'm going public with my actual weight.  I saw that number, and I couldn't believe what I had done to myself.  How did I get that far gone?  And how was I going to turn that around?  I went home, turned my computer on, and signed up for Weight Watchers Online.  I was going to get the first three months free, so what did I have to lose?  Well...pounds.  That is what I had to lose.  And I certainly didn't mind losing those.  I had heard that the program changed since the last time I tried it: most vegetables and fruits were now zero points, which I thought was ridiculously wonderful.  The part I hated the most about the old program was literally having a cookie and an apple before me and trying to decide which I wanted more - both were two points, but I felt as though I would get more emotional satisfaction from the cookie.  With most fruits and vegetables being zero points, the new Weight Watchers program is promoting a healthier way of looking at food.  Eat all the fruits and vegetables you want!  It took a bit to incorporate those more into my lifestyle, as I was always eating on the go and not taking the time to properly prepare my food.  But stopping and really looking at the nutritional information, and making more informed choices about what I put in my body is what I needed to do.  I came to the realization quickly that my former personal trainer, Nick, was right.  Dinner could be a salad and a chicken breast, and I would be full.  I remember whining to him that I knew it wouldn't satisfy me and that I would be hungry.  Yah, well, I'm eating a huge slice of humble pie now.  Nick, hopefully you are reading this.  You were right.  And you were awesome at your job.  And I miss sparring with you.

So how has the year on Weight Watchers turned out?  Well, I'm human.  There are ups and downs.  The most I have lost is 35 lbs so far, but I have gained a bit of it back.  Not much, only about 6 or 7 lbs.  And I am not going to make myself feel bad about the ups and downs anymore.  Weight fluctuates, and I am no where near being finished with this journey.  It is going to take more time for me to eventually reach my ideal weight, and I am more than willing and ready to continue with that goal.  I am also dealing with my relationship with food.  I am SO an emotional eater, including boredom, and I need to really get to the root of that.  That is what 2013 is for.

February 2012

This was the start of why 2012 was not what I expected it to be.  I was in a long term relationship, happy, and looking forward to the plans him and I were making.  I knew he had a trip coming up (we had started talking about it in December 2011), but I really didn't know (or maybe wasn't reading the signs clearly) that it would turn out the way it did.  I understood that he had family obligations in Bangladesh.  I also explained to him that I had been involved in a long distance relationship before, and had also seen other friends go through long distance relationships, and it really wasn't something I felt I was strong enough to do.  I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again.  It started out that it would only be about a month, 2 max, that he would have to travel abroad, and I was okay with that length of time.  A week before he left, it changed, and it was going to be 3 months max that he would be gone.  When you look at the grand scheme of things, 3 months is really just a drop in the hat of life, so I was okay with that length of time too.  On February 10, 2012, Russel flew to Bangladesh.  The first week he was gone, I just kept telling myself, "Three months, its only three months."  A couple weeks after he landed, he told me that he would probably be over there for 4 months.

And the story just kept changing.  Well, after he was finished his 4 months in Bangladesh, he told me that he would have to go somewhere else in order to see his family.  And then he would come back to Vancouver.  Three months passed, and he still wasn't even close to being done in Bangladesh.  In fact, he is still there now, and it has been nearly 11 months.  The relationship had to end at some point, and I actually surprised myself at how patient I was with what felt like lies that he was feeding me.  But we'll get to that later.

March - April 2012

These were fairly uneventful months.  I still missed Russel, and I was still trying to be patient.  But I was busy with work, and with after work projects, such as the in-house band, All Hell Breaking Loose.  We prepared for and pulled off an awesome gig in April at District 319 for the Law Firm Alliance.  It was fun, I felt like a total rock-star, and thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it!

My family also had a party for my grandmother's 90th birthday.  Ninety years old, is my grandmother!!  Can you believe it?  If you are on my Facebook, then you saw her in the picture from Christmas Day.  She doesn't look her age at all!!  I cannot wait to be as gorgeous as she is at that age. :-)  And as full of life!

May 2012

I went to Calgary for the May long weekend to see my two good friends, Mel and Jared.  Out of that trip came one of THE funniest moments (to me) of the year:

*I'm sitting on the couch, putting my make up on, and Jared is antsy to get out the door*
Jared:  Why are you making duck face to yourself in the mirror?
Mel:  Its not duck face, that is mascara face.

True fact.  We, as girls, make the weirdest faces at ourselves when we are putting on our mascara.  And we can't help it, our face just naturally does it.

June - July 2012

I went to Europe!!!  And it was awesome!  I got to see my best friend Tiana, and meet all the people that are in her life!  As much as I miss her being here, it made me feel better knowing she was surrounded by great friends out there too.  And with technology today, we can Skype and FaceTime, and WhatsApp, etc.

SO!!  On June 29th, I flew to London, landing midday on June 30th.  Tiana met me at Heathrow, and we took the train back to Camden, where she lives.  Instead of napping, I just had a quick shower and got changed so we could go have a couple drinks and eat some dinner.  After dinner we went back to her flat and packed, because we were heading to Portugal in the morning.  Oh wow, these cheap flights from city to city in Europe are great, except for the fact that you need to be REALLY choosy about what you can bring. We checked one bag and then carried on the rest.  I had no leg room, and no assigned seating, so thankfully I found an aisle seat so I could stretch my left leg out.  And even then it was intermittent because the flight attendants were going up and down the aisles constantly.  Thankfully it was just a short flight.

From the 1st to the 5th of July, we were in Albufeira, which is a coastal town in The Algarve.  It was beautiful.  We beached, shopped, toured, drank (a lot), and just enjoyed spending vacation time with each other in a gorgeous setting.  I would definitely go again, but next time I think I would like to see Lisbon.

So we flew back to London, had a dinner at a risque club on the 6th, and then spent July 7th and 8th at the Hyde Park Wireless Music Fest.  The line up of artists was awesome, and the bit of rain we had didn't get us down.  We just had fun!  Then on the 9th, I did a bit of touring on my own, and flew back home on July 10th.  Definitely one of the highlights of my year was travelling to Europe, and I am looking forward to exploring more parts of Europe in the future!

August 2012

Well, the sobering part of my trip was that I really got to get out of my comfort zone, which helps me focus on what is and what isn't working in my life.  And my relationship with Russel just wasn't working long distance.  So on August 1st, I sat down at my computer and wrote him an email explaining why I wasn't happy in the relationship, and that I wasn't strong enough to continue in a long distance relationship because I wasn't getting what I needed from him, nor was I in any emotional, mental or physical capacity to be able to give him what he needed.

September - December 2012

The months following my break up were mostly filled with whatever I could find to distract me.  I was trying to go to the gym more, getting a whole lot more social with my friends, and just letting myself be who I was in the moment.

Part of these distractions was a trip to Mexico with my other best friend, Chris.  We went down to Puerto Vallarta from October 27th to November 3rd, and had a(nother) real vacation.  Both of us had been to that particular resort before, so we were able to really let loose.  Pool side / beach side during the day, and whatever we could find that was fun at night.  And we got to be there for the day of the dead which was interesting.  It was a bit unfortunate that they have sort of changed some things to go with tourism, and celebrate Halloween the North American way, but not so much that the part of their customs was not completely lost in everything.

At the end of November, I started to work on physically getting rid of my relationship - you see, Russel and I had been living together since October 2011, and his stuff that he hadn't taken with him to Bangladesh was still overcrowding my apartment.  My mom came over and we separated, sorted and packed.  When all was said and done, I had a corner in my living room with stacked boxes of his left over belongings.  And it sat there for two weeks while I adjusted to having more of my space back.  Then on December 9th, the day after my 32nd birthday, I got a car and made two trips to a storage locker downtown.  Only one thing of his remains in this apartment, and it will be the last thing I add to the locker when I get the chance.

But this is when it really hit.  The moment I closed my apartment door behind me, after physically moving everything of his off site, by myself, I completely lost it.  I had the realization that the relationship was really over.  It was done.  There was no going back after this.  Part of me felt some freedom from this, and part of me felt like I had failed, yet again.

Overall, 2012 was a great year - these were just the high(low)lights.  I reconnected with people from my past, and became closer with them, and I made more friends as I got to know more people at work.  I appreciate everyone in my life, and I am truly grateful for having such a great support system around me.  And I am also truly grateful for being part of others' support systems.

What does 2013 hold for me?  Well, as I have stated in previous posts, I'm not one for new years resolutions.  I like setting tangible goals, whether it be at the end of a calendar year, the end of a fiscal year, or just at random during the year.  I would like to continue working on my emotional, mental and physical health and well being.  And I would like to continue moving forward, and not lapsing into old habits.  When I am ready to make some more tangible goals, I will.  And you will hear about it.

So in the words of one of my favourite Scots, Rabbie Burns:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

Happy New Year to you all.