Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Current Struggle and My Next Challenge

I feel as though I have always been "larger". Standing at nearly 5'11", I am the shortest (yeah, the SHORTEST) person in my immediate family. But that isn't the kind of larger I'm talking about. And hell, I love my height. I'm a glamazon, yo!

At the beginning of 2012, I looked down at the scale I was standing on, and was absolutely shocked at the weight I had let myself get to. It was the heaviest weight (known to me) that I had ever been. A switch flipped in my head, and I told myself I would never be that weight again. So far I have succeeded with that goal, but I'm still not happy. 

Over the course of the first 6-7 months of 2012, I lost 30 lbs. Then I just stopped being as motivated. Maybe it was partly personal issues, laziness...I don't know. I felt like life got in the way and I was just less motivated to do anything about anything. Over time I slowly gained back 10 of the 30 lbs I lost. No, that isn't that bad, when you look at the big picture, but it wasn't making me happy to be regressing.

Over the last few months, I've started and stopped going to the gym "regularly" numerous times. There was that week I didn't go because I was sick. Fair enough. Then there was that week that I wasn't sleeping properly. Okay, I can see how one might have low energy. Then there was that week where my body was just not having it because of "girl" reasons. Excuse after excuse, rationale after rationale, it seemed like so many things were getting in my way.

So I looked at it honestly, trying to figure out just what was keeping me away from the gym, and I'm still a bit stuck. This is where having a blog and friends who read it can help.

Issue No. 1

I WANT TO BE A MORNING PERSON!!! I wish I was, really I do. The other issues I will list below would be NULL AND VOID if only I could be a morning person. Then I could wake up every day at 5:30 am, go to the gym, have an awesome workout, go home, shower, and have an awesome day. I've done it before, and it is awesome. I love it! But doing it regularly and continuously just ain't happening. All I want to do is stay in bed until I absolutely have to get up. I have tried twice already this week to get up in the morning to get in my workout before work, and have failed twice. It is actually my preference to workout in the morning because that is when the gym is practically empty, and the members that ARE there have complete respect for one another. Such a different story when I go to the gym in the evening. Is there some sort of gym code I'm missing with respect to what sort of people attend later in the day?

Issue No. 2

I love music. And I cannot let myself put up any boundaries with respect to creating, writing, inventing, singing, thinking, living and breathing music. I actually do "research" when I'm at the gym. I'm currently learning about electronic music, specifically trance, which is my go to music to crank when I'm working out. So I listen to my favourite tracks, new ones, etc. and listen for the transitions, ideas, structure, everything. But when I get home from the gym in the evening, I'm tired, and I don't feel like sitting in front of my computer. And when I do feel like it, I get home late enough that "just 15 minutes" of reviewing something will turn into a couple hours or longer, and then I'm in bed too late to function properly at my job the next day. So now you can see how being a morning person would make this issue null and void. If I got my workout done in the morning, I'd be free right after work to create. And if I scheduled it properly, I'd be in bed in time for my morning workout the next day. And as an aside, you should hear what I'm doing...it is kick ass!! I can't wait to get it on SoundCloud for your listening pleasure!

Issue No. 3

The people at my gym really irk me. And its not just the gym I go to, its what I have encountered no matter where I have gone. Not the people in the morning (are you seeing the trend yet?), but the people I encounter on a regular basis in the evening. The ones who stare when they see me climbing the stairs up to the workout level. The ones who sit RIGHT in front of where I am working out, invading my personal workout space, and gossip loudly with their friends (because there are usually 2-3 of these, and its not just women - guys do it too) while they pretend to stretch and give me dirty looks as if I'm in THEIR way. The ones who are taking up precious workout space with their half-assed version of a workout while they constantly check their Facebook and text in-between reps. No, not SETS, REPS. As in 1, 2, 3, text, check Facebook, 4, 5, text, 6...text...text...text...check Facebook...realize they are in the middle of a set and quickly squeeze out a few more. Frack!!! So if I were a morning person, I wouldn't encounter these people. Most of the time I can shut them out pretty well, but on those days where I'm a little more sensitive than usual, their stares/comments/annoyances can get right in my head and distract me from my workout.

Issue No. 4

I love working out by myself. Unless it is a yoga class (and even then I love pulling out my Yoga Studio app on my iPad and just doing yoga by myself at home), I don't like going to the gym with friends. I don't want to chat when I workout. I want to get my sweat on, and work harder than I did the day before, which means I won't have the ability to speak with you. And I don't want to go for dinner or drinks afterwards because I'm as red as a beet, and want to just go home and eat my salad, please and thank you. The gym and working out are not social things for me. Its business. This may not seem like such a big deal, but I have a few friends who suggest we go to the gym together to work out. Then when we get there, they don't seem as into working out as they did before, or they are embarrassed to be seen with me, or they don't think I'm working hard enough so they reach over and turn the machine I am currently on up 5 levels, or... who knows. I don't do buddy systems at the gym. And yes, I can say no. I've said no many times before. Except you say no enough times, people stop asking all together and disappear. I know, we all have our own stuff going on, but don't get insulted just because I don't want to go to the gym with you. If you get insulted, it makes me feel bad. If I feel bad, I will emotionally eat. If I emotionally eat, I will feel bad. And emotionally eat. I love my friends. And I want to hang out with you. Just not at the gym.

Issue No. 5

I don't do lunch time workouts (unless its yoga). I only get 1 hour for lunch, and that is not enough time for a workout (the way I workout, which is about 45 minutes to 1 hour 15 minutes) and a shower. I don't want to be sitting at my desk red as a beet and sweaty in my work clothes. Nope. Not gonna happen. And my job isn't as predictable as you'd think it is. Its funny how I can start each day with a list of what I want to accomplish, and then things just happen, and half my list gets pushed to the next day. But that is litigation, and its partly why I love it. So no, I will not be working out at lunch unless it is yoga.

The bottom line is this - I know exactly what I need to do to make my workouts at the gym more successful, but I am finding it very difficult to get there. I need help. Anyone who is reading this who has any suggestions on how I can be better at being a morning person and getting morning workouts into my schedule, please suggest away. I'm only looking at 3 days a week right now, just to get some sort of a routine going. I'll worry about making it 6 days a week later, once I've got 3 days a week under my skin and into my heart.

My Next Challenge

My unhappiness with where my body is at isn't just because of how often I exercise. My diet needs to change as well. For the most part, I eat fairly well. It is my emotional eating that causes me to fail to the point of sending myself into a downward spiral. Often.

So here is my challenge for May:

1.  I am not going to let my binge foods into the house. There are already none of them in here at the moment, and we are 20 minutes away from May 1st, y'all!

2.  During those moments where I feel the need to run down to the shop around the corner to pick up SOMETHING, I will stop, breathe, and figure out what is really going on. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Or am I feeling something and trying to bury it in fat and food instead of properly deal with it?

3.  I am going to write these feelings down. Writing is very cathartic, and can often serve in me helping myself. And if I can't help myself, I have it written down for the next time I reach out to a professional to help me.

4.  If I am out with friends, I will make the healthiest choice possible when it comes to the food I order (if at all, hopefully I'll eat at home beforehand), so that the "junk food seal" isn't broken.

I'm already feeling great about May. Lets see if I can start to get to the root of some of the issues that keep cropping up over and over again. 

Onwards and upwards!

E.